Isn't it just deplorable how much attention the mainstream press pays to the "horse race" in an election year instead of focusing on the issues facing our society? I'm sure you are as upset as I am over the travesty this ridiculous and endless campaign has become.
Ladies and gentleman, place your bets please.
In anticipation of Super Duper Tuesday, let's imagine some potential nominees and their potential running mates, what their chances are, and how best to package them for maximum public nausea.
In the red silks of Republican Farm, based in Texas at the moment, we have a front-runner in Citizen McCain, an old warhorse who is gaining momentum heading into the stretch. If he gets the nomination, how will he balance out the ticket and reclaim the mantle of the real, true, genuine bona fide conservative's conservative? Why, choose a true-believer, right-wing, possibly insane running mate, of course.
Not Romney, because they're both from out west. Maybe Huckabee, just to lock up the Christian zealots. Giuliani would make a dream team geographically to win New York's electoral votes, but Rudy would never do it. Ron Paul would add the needed intelligence and substance to the rhetoric of the campaign, but nobody's really listening. People are talking about Joe Lieberman, the Republican's Democrat, but is he tainted by Gore 2000? If so, that might be his best quality in the eyes of Republican, Floridian, and crossover voters.
What McCain really needs is a good voice and a photogenic presence. He's got that squeaky little speaking voice, and unlike our current (cough) chief executive, the man is not a walking photo opportunity. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Fred Thompson for vice president. Law and Order. Tall, manly, authoritative Tennessean. With a voice that says "leadership" to calm the fearful masses into blind obedience.
McCain-Thompson. Do what we say and nobody gets hurt.
In the blue jerseys of the yeoman farmer party of Jefferson and Jackson, it's more complicated to find a suitable running mate for either Clinton or Obama. Edwards would provide balance but wouldn't, and shouldn't, play second fiddle again. Are there any Democrats left in must-win California? Someone moderate to round out either candidate's appearance as immoderately liberal.
The obvious choice for Hillary would be - Bill! He would be the de facto VP anyway, so just make it official. Might as well put his considerable policy wonkishness and persuasive powers to work, and keep his butt on a short leash, whatever you do. There are no negatives to a Clinton-Clinton ticket, because the same people detest both of them, so Bill's presence on the team doesn't alienated any voters who aren't already alienated.
If Obama gets the nomination, the first thing to do is unfreeze hell, and the second thing is to put the apostrophy back in his name. What? You didn't know? It's really Brock O'Bama. See, his real father was an Irish guy from Tuscaloosa. You heard it here first. Roll Tide. Get a running mate with just a shade of redneck - that pretty-boy NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, or our own Jim Tressel - and you've got a dream ticket.
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A late entry in tonight's race for vice president on the Democratic ticket: Archie Manning, a quarter(back)horse stud out of Oxford, Mississippi, by way of New Orleans. Hillary and Barack, if you really want to win, talk to Archie.
Today, the horse race enteres the stretch. SuperDuper/Nuclear Tuesday is upon us.
Guaranteed that the media will hyperventilate about it all as much as they did over the "heroics" of the Super Bowl?
(Like the picture, BTW.)
(from Slate:)
"In other news, all the papers note that tornadoes struck Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, and Tennessee yesterday and killed at least 27 people, according to early-morning wire reports."
I'm holding Mike Huckabee responsible.
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