The party of the first part

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his or her advice I wish to make the following plagiarized* statement:

Please accept with no obligation, either implied or implicit, my best wishes for a culturally respectful, environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, nonaddictive, age-inclusive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter holiday of your choice, observed and/or practiced within the most enjoyable customs or traditions, religious persuasion, or secular practices of your choice with due respect for the religious, ethnic, social, or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, including their choice not to observe or practice said religious, ethnic, social, or secular persuasions and/or traditions at all.

I also, being of sound mind and of my own will and accord, wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally though not universally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for and acknowledgement of the equally valid calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great - not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only geographical or national entity called 'America' in the western hemisphere - without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, please be advised that you are accepting the following terms: This greeting is subject to clarification, modification, or withdrawal at any time without prior notice; is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting; implies no promise by the wisher or wisher's heirs or agents to actually implement any of said wishes for her/himself or others; is void where prohibited by law; and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual and customary application of comparable good tidings for a period of one year from date of receipt or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday or seasonal greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: no trees or other plant organisms were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

*origin unknown; I take full responsibility for editorial alterations and any factual or other inaccuracies. Thanks to JoJo.