A thought-provoking tour of the sunday dispatch reveals, once again, that the most valuable information in the newspaper can be found in the comics. "Tina's Groove" explains through sophisticated neuromuscular analysis how high heels lower a woman's IQ. "Doonesbury" traces the relative life trajectories of a female undergraduate named Cricket (law school, marriage, birth of a child) and a male undergraduate named Zipper (thinking of majoring in physics but still undeclared). "Dilbert" outlines the organizational imperatives of goal-setting, goal-writing, goal-reporting, and goal-ignoring. "Hi and Lois" reveal the key to making difficult decisions through monitoring somatic response, i.e., ask out the girl who makes you blush the most. And what am I doing even reading "Hi and Lois"?
Yet another charlatan is getting a lifetime's worth of free advertising for their self-fulfilling, self-promoting book of prophecy, ostentaciously titled The Secret. Apparently the big secret is getting whatever you wish for by convincing yourself that you can and should get whatever you wish for. Hey, it worked for one "network-marketing professional" in Zanesville, why shouldn't it work for everyone? It's working for the author, isn't it?
Fortunately, the somewhat more grounded Joe Blundo's column is right nextdoor, and Joe says the best investment strategy this week is to ignore the stock market and watch basketball. I'm with Joe. In other breaking news, real estate prices are higher per square foot in popular neighborhoods!
In the always deeply probing 'Insight' section, there is more edifying discourse on the proper role and function of the stack of newsprint used to wrap fish and line the compost bucket. A number of readers are demanding that the editor return or destroy the public school directories - which parents chose to be listed in - that the newspaper uses to check facts. In the 'Letters' column, one reader objects to the inclusion of a photo of "ultimate fighting" competitors, and another objects to the negative language used to describe the sport of "ultimate fighting." Both want editors to publish exactly what they want to see, nothing more and nothing less, shielding their delicate sensibilities from anything offending or disagreeable. The concept of 'turn the page', like the parallel concept of 'change the damn channel' has yet to occur to these conscientious citizens who are vigilant in protecting you and me from harmful information, much like the protectors of school children who seek to ban information on certain (you know what kind) subjects. The assumption being that 'good' journalism, like 'good' education, is that which reveals less and conceals more.
After going off on the Sunday paper, I decided to do something constructive, started a batch of sourdough bread, and watched some basketball on TV. After careful analysis based on a lifetime of close observation and about 40 years of serious study, I concluded that the Buckeyes beat the Badgers because they have better athletes. Wisconsin relies on three or four guys to carry them, while Ohio State can run six or seven in and out without losing a step, although it's the big guy, who blocks shots, and the little guy, who passes the ball, who make them go.
While it was still light outside, I grabbed a hacksaw and tore through a leftover piece of sheetmetal roofing, cutting large sections down to the size of the remaining uncovered part of my patchwork shed. Because I don't have the proper tools and I'm too stingy to go out a buy the proper tools, I used a combination of elbow grease and pure improvisation. After scrounging up just enough roofing nails (salvaged), I nailed down most of the remaining pieces over most of the remaining plywood, hitting only one finger with the hammer and ripping only one piece of skin in the process.
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