greener than thou

Wanna see my new Toyota Pious? It's not just a car, it's a political statement, an expression of my cultural righteousness, a symbol of being cooler and smarter than your average prole. And everyone knows that the kind of vehicle you drive is a true measure of your value as a person.

What, you don't own a planet-saving hybrid yet? Maybe someone should explain how important it is to your self-respect and social standing that you reduce your carbon footprint in the most visible way possible: by buying a new car! And while you're at it, would you mind doing something about your potassium thumbprint? It's gross.

You know - or maybe you don't, so it's my civic duty to inform you - that it's your civic duty to be green, and not only that but it's also your duty to talk about 'being green'. Pepper your conversation with references to your 'footprint', your regenerative braking, and how you're doing your part to save the planet. Like the planet gives a shit what you drive.

It reminds me of back when everybody was "going organic" because some good-looking chick on TV washed her hair with Herbal Essence shampoo. And she looked so darn natural. On TV. So the creative minds in mass marketing found out they could sell bazillions of little foil-wrapped wads of sugar mixed attractively with whey and a long list of other substances, and call them granola bars. Many more processed and packaged food-like objects henceforth filled stores and grocery carts because they were labeled "natural" or "old-fashioned."

Organic has long since been sold to the highest bidder, and agribusiness is now in the business of dictating to actual farmers and gardeners what they can call "organic" produce. You've probably heard about the legislation making its way into law that prohibits dairy farmers from informing consumers that their milk does not come from chemically injected, hormone-fed cows. That bit of information might confuse consumers who presumably would rather not know what substances Monsanto puts into their milk.

Alright, so clearly this has quickly turned into a rant from both sides of the same fence. A rant against the ostentatiously "green" among us, as well as a rant against those who legislate the right to poison the food supply. So what's my problem?

Here's my problem. Got a runny nose? Ask your doctor - or the drug dealer behind the counter at the corner CVS - which allergy medicine is right for you. Got unexplained sensations? Buy some pills, which might make you constipated, sleepy, nauseated, or sterile, to take care of that annoyingly restless leg. Got a weight problem? Buy some specially packaged, processed, manufactured foodlike substance, or a machine that will sit in your basement and make you thin. Want to do away with all the clutter in hour home? Buy an advanced room-organizing "system" at the local big-box store. Problems solved! Whatever it is, just buy more stuff.

Got polluted air? Buy a new car. Everyone will know and admire how very green you are indeed.