Name That War

Bidding is open for the naming rights to the current, ongoing, stay the course, ain't stopping, don't set a timetable cuz that only encourages the enemies of freedom, perpetual war. What am I bid to name that war?

It started out, I recall, as a War on Terrorism, something broadly defined like that, which effectively diverted attention away from the actual war on Iraq. At some point, some of that warlike activity was called "counter-terrorism," which implies terrorism directed against terrorism (see counterexample, countermeasure, counteroffensive, counterpunch, etc). Then we were told it was really a Global War on Terror - much more impressive in that it's GLOBAL (makes you go Wow!) and snappier because it's on TERROR (!), not some vague, abstract, ideological -ism. Besides, anything more than two syllables (like nuc-ya-ler) gives him trouble.

Now, the buzz is (or was, given the collective attention span) the new, improved Global War Against Violent Extremism, but the mouthpiece had a snit because nobody consulted him about it. And there may have been some discomfort among our friends at Operation Rescue, Christian Coalition, KKK, et al, with a name-change that stigmatizes violent extremism. Tom DeLay may have made a phone call to the effect that, hey, old buddy, cut us some slack, how we gonna deliver the wrath o' god on that out-of-control federal judiciary if you're giving a bad name to violent extremism? So there, it's still a Globawarontear, if you slur a couple of consonants, which plays well with the folks back home who got a big kick out of "We're gonna hunt'm down and smoke'm out and lock'm up." I think that sound-bite came just before "Bring it on." And we know what happened next; they brought it on.

Isn't it high time this thriving rhetorical industry was taken out of the clutches of a Washington elite and placed in the entrepreneurial private sector? Like the moldy old Sugar Bowl was upgraded to the Nokia Sugar Bowl, and some other football game became the FedEx Bowl, and most of the stadiums worth their salt now carry the name and logo of a vigorous, freedom-loving corporation that pays handsomely to call the tune. Where are those marketing geniuses when it comes to national security and the revenue potential in spreading democracy?

Opening bids should be forthcoming from a number of interested parties. How about the Halliburton War on Terror (War is Hal); or the Enron Counter-Insurgency (See what we did to California?); or the Exxon-Mobil Global War of Liberation (When it's all ours, you won't be dependent on foreign oil); maybe the Wal-Mart Happy-Face War on Unions and Competition. Submit your suggestions today, and Name That War!